MmmKay? Thanks

Dear Charge Nurse:

Maybe next time we should assign a nurse who actually believes the patient will survive to said patient. I understand he had a massive heart attack, is on a balloon pump, is in renal failure, is maxed on 3 pressors, and needs CRRT, but having a nurse with a positive outlook would be so much more beneficial for the patient. Then the nurse wouldn't say things like, "I'm not in a hurry to start the CRRT, it's not like it's going to matter." And then the overly large family (17 people crammed into one ICU room) won't pick up on her pessimism and become angry because they believe the patient is receiving substandard care--especially if 2 family members are physicians themselves.

MmmKay? Thanks.

And while I'm on the subject, dear family members who happen to be physicians: You, of all people, should know that 17 people don't fit in an ICU room with a balloon pump, a CRRT machine and 2 trees of Alaris pumps maxed on modules. What would happen if we had to, say, code the patient and we couldn't get the crash cart, let alone the required staff, through the door and to the patient? It's an ICU room, not a freaking clown car.

MmmKay? Thanks.

Dear 184kg (404lbs!!!!) woman: Maybe you should seek medical attention for your massive cellulitis in your leg long before you've had it for the 12 months that you claim. Maybe then you won't end up in the ICU for emergency surgery for a wound that started as a blister from a bad pair of shoes. And, PS: When you weigh 404 lbs and it takes 3 of us to hold back the fat rolls so we can place a foley, you don't get to fuss about the procedure being embarrassing.

MmmKay? Thanks.

Dear 144kg (317lbs!!!) man: Maybe you should let your nurse know that you haven't pooped in 12 days (even if it is "normal" for you) BEFORE we give you kayexalate for a potassium of 6.9 (because your kidneys have shut down because you're in cardiogenic shock because your fat ass ejection fraction is a whopping 15%.) They don't make chucks big enough for 12 days of poop, so a little heads up would have been nice. And please don't say things like, "What do you think of my 'organ'?" while we're cleaning your junk up for the 4th time of the day. It's creepy and weird. "Looks about like every other one I've seen today."

MmmKay? Thanks.

Dear 94 y/o little old lady: We typically like to see more than one QRS per monitor screen so, maybe you could bring your heartrate up into at least the 30s for us? And maybe if you'd shut up with the small talk, your heart might actually have the energy to beat more often. I don't really enjoy "little old lady" CPR, you LOLs make too many popping sounds--and that's coming from an ex-chiropractor.

MmmKay? Thanks.

So yeah, kind of a busy 2 days at work.

Several days off now--Mmmkay? Thanks!